So in this episode
Nate Archibald’s mom Sabrina Drake and her husband want to kill each other, for very real. I also shake my head at rich white straight people, and fail to feel anything for cutesy straight flashbacks. This episode does have some of the funniest and cutest Harold/John banter though, so that’s my takeaway. Also, a hottie is introduced!
I have watched the whole show before, so SPOILERS MIGHT HAPPEN. Big spoilers will be blanked out but references and irrelevant spoilers are going to be out in the open.
 Harold and Grace are being cutesy and talking about their love of Italy. I don’t know. I know they’re cute or whatever, and I like that the actors are married in real life (and what Michael Emerson has said in interviews about this fact), but I have no “awwwhs” and “ooohs” left in me for hetero couples, sorry.
Harold tells John about their new numbers, a rich couple of entrepreneurs, and instructs him to check their workplace while Harry snoops in their house.
John: I’m proud of you, Finch. You’ve really gotten comfortable with your breaking-and-entering duties.
Harold: Thank you for appreciating my descent into deviant behavior.
So, while I laugh a lot at this line and how he delivers it, let’s not kid ourselves. This is the guy who once hacked into Arpanet, has probably burned through at least a few aliases, and was wanted for treason and shit. Don’t act like this is your first rodeo, Harry. Even though ‘deviant’ behavior is relative, and I don’t personally care (and neither does
your husband John), this is not your first rodeo.
Harold: You simply scan an active card, copy this blank, and you’ll have access to all the company’s offices.
John: And where do I get an active card?
Harold: I can’t do *everything*, Mr. Reese.
They’re so married, I love it.
The Drakes are very annoying, which I think is part of the point of their characters, so I guess they do a good job. But, we are supposed to gather that they’re annoying but at least they love each other, and love should by Advertise” href=”#16589996″> win, or something. All I gather is that I don’t care what happens to them because what kind of rich asshole do you have to be to hire a professional hitman to off your spouse when all it took Team Machine is sitting you down in a closet to talk things out? “Hey honey, remember that time we both hired people to bump each other off? Those were the days..!” Rich white straights are out of control.
John: I didn’t know you were a baseball fan, Finch. The Mets?
Harold: Not particularly.
Harold: I suppose…
John: The A’s.
Harold *smiles*: Oakland is fine. And the Cubs. And the Red Sox too. Although I’m not certain my affection for any one of these teams would reveal where I grew up, Mr. Reese.
John *gives up*: Okay, where were we?
I am deeply amused by Harold’s paranoia, and even more by the fact that he is right to have it, with John trying to be sneaky like that.
The hitman the husband hired leads Carter to ask a fellow detective, Cal Beecher, for leads. And for his by Advertise” href=”#32112210″> pants to drop LOL JK that would have been me. But Beecher does ask Joss on a date and that is cute as fuck because Joss is a dork and I live for it.
 Harold and Nathan talk about love and secrecy, and Harold is clearly thinking about how much Grace doesn’t know about him, and how much future they can possibly have that way.
Harold: So we have two victims who are also perpetrators, not to mention two hit men. You know, Mr. Reese, it did occur to me we could leave the Drakes to their own devices.
John: That’s pretty mercenary of you, Finch. I kind of like it.
I do too! And I love their banter! And their love!
It’s weird but I feel like John and Harold have a lot more chemistry and fit a lot better than Grace and Harold do, and I’m not just saying it because they’re not straight. And I do realize how silly that is since the actors are married in real life, so how could they not have chemistry on screen? On this rewatch I am realizing that it is because the writers kind of dropped the ball when it came to writing Grace realistically and fully. Maybe they thought they were just going to use her for a few flashbacks, as a cardboard romantic interest in the past, like they did with Jessica, and so they never bothered, but the more on-screen time she gets the more Harold and Grace look boring and not like a real couple.
It is a shame, because they’re both stellar performers, but Grace is so flat and so cheesy and so unquestioning of all the things any smart grown woman would question at least a little. I get it, they wanted to paint Harold’s past/lost love as so idyllic that his present is haunted by it, that we feel nostalgic and bitter with him, but I end up just feeling nauseated and bored.
Throughout the episode, Fusco is being secretive and sneaky and weird all episode, and so Harold and John and Carter are all wondering what he is up to, and it turns out he just wanted some privacy so he could have a by Advertise” href=”#22937151″> cute date with this woman named Rhonda who is super cute and really enthusiastic and gets Lionel to blush and be a total dork.
Meanwhile, Harold walks Bear… around his work desk.
Not that I care about the case of the week but Carter and John are trying to save the husband from one hit man while Lionel is trying to save the wife from the other. John decides to kidnap both of them to… save time? I don’t even know. Carter doesn’t either.
John: Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to save lives.
Carter: Yeah, pretty sure that’s not the saying.
But then for more shenanigans, when John kidnaps the wife, he does so by putting a bag over her head and put her in a trunk, in the middle of a busy NYC street, while she screams and begs for help. I want to think someone would try to intervene but I honestly do not trust bystanders ever so, #tooreal, maybe.
John: Good job, Lionel.
Lionel: Yeah, I always wanted to be an accessory in kidnapping.
Carter: *Multiple* kidnappings.
Team Machine gets the rich heteros to talk, and eventually stop the hit men. They get arrested but decide to stay together because love by Advertise” href=”#68184709″> wins, or whatever.
 For Grace’s birthday, Harold sets her up for a scavenger hunt. A bunch of cute places that have meant something for them, or something. You can find plenty of reviews that care about this. This isn’t it. Like, is it a cool gift idea? Absolutely! And both actors are lovely. But I am annoyed at the misogynistic flat writing of Grace, so, uhm, bye. They have not succeeded in making me care at all.
By the end, Harold romanticizes the Drakes being all like “anything is worth it when life gives you a second chance to be with the one you love” and I’m like ????
So anyhoo, I am done now. See y’all next time. There are better things ahead.